Assistance Not Required
by Pikachumaniac
Summary: Xigbar tries to cheer Zexion up. Sometimes it’s better to keep your mouth shut, especially if you want to hang on to your remaining eye, but self-preservation was never that high on Xigbar's list of things to do.


Title: Assistance Not Required

Summary: Xigbar tries to cheer Zexion up. Sometimes it's better to keep your mouth shut, especially if you want to hang on to your remaining eye.

Pairing: Xigbar x Zexion-ish

Word Count: 1,632

Notes: Just a quick drabble. Well, drabble by my standards, at least. Wrote it while waiting for class to start, at the airport, and at home whilst plagued with a headache. So not about to be very coherent, in other words….

"It could have been worse."

A sulky grunt. Xigbar smirked. "Well, that isn't very ladylike."

"Go to **hell**."

"Not like it's even permanent or anything. Unless Vexen screwed that up too. Do you think-?"

A glare. It was amazing that the Freeshooter was not immediately vaporized by the intense hatred, but certainly not for lack of trying.

The failure, however, to reduce the man to a smoldering pile of ashes only seemed to embolden Xigbar as he flung an arm over the thin shoulders, causing the smaller Nobody to stagger under the weight. "Besides… you don't even _look_ that different."

That did it. If Xigbar was not going to quietly die on his own accord, assistance would be _gladly_ provided. But before one perfectly manicured hand could reach out to perhaps shove the bastard into a nightmarish hell, or at least out the nearest window, it was roughly grabbed. Xigbar tsked, "And here I thought we were just having a good time. Y'know, bonding and the like."

"You thought wrong," Zexion snarled. "And unless you give me a compelling reason to stand your continued existence, you may find your current waste of a so-called _life_ drastically shortened."

Xigbar grinned as he said, "Big words from such a little lady." He would have emphasized that with a patronizing pat on the head if Zexion's other hand had not moved to eviscerate him, forcing him to grab it with his own remaining hand. Thank god he'd only lost an eyeball instead of a hand, eh? The grin widened as he leered down at his unwilling companion. "Well, _this_ is a compromising position."

"Indeed," Zexion said coolly, causing Xigbar to blink in surprise before the other elaborated. "Everything about you can be considered compromised, II. Brain cell capacity, to begin with."

"You wound me Zexion, you truly do."

"I have not even _begun_."

"Now that isn't so hard to believe. I hear the full moon can cause periods of frenzied behavior. Just another thing for you to have in common with Ol' Werewolf, eh?"

"_Die_."

He laughed, "And miss out on the fun? But seriously, Zexy, you just don't look that different. Maybe the lashes are a little longer, but you've always looked too much like a little girl for Vexen's potion to—_owshitfuck_. What was that for?! I'm trying to make you feel better!"

"By telling me that I look like a girl?" Zexion hissed, applying more weight to Xigbar's foot. Granted, there wasn't much to begin with, but the smaller Nobody was making optimal use of what existed. "You should have saved your breath. Or did the Heartless take what precious little was left of your brain along with your heart?"

"Hitting a bit low, aren't you?"

"I could hit lower."

"No shit. You're shorter for one thing. There's only so far you could _reach_. Hey," he said quickly, cutting off Zexion's insulted snarl. "Speaking of your physical deficiencies, I'm still not entirely sure you are a woman. Maybe we should check by-"

Zexion seemed to have reached the end of a severely shortened threshold of patience, as Xigbar was nearly deafened by an ear-shattering shriek. "I am not stripping for you, you sick fuck!"

He mock gasped. "Such _language_! And the accusation! You wound me, VI, you truly do."

"_You wanted to see me naked_."

"Did I say that? I don't remember saying anything of the sort." A pause. "But if you were, you know, _offering_-"

"Do you use drugs in your free time?" Zexion demanded, quite rudely cutting him off . "Is that why you are always so late to meetings? Are you in such a constant hallucinatory haze that you are no longer capable of distinguishing reality from your delusions?"

"Can't be sure," Xigbar replied with a lazy shrug before giving the other Nobody an exaggerated wink. Or blink, since it was hard to tell when you only had one eye. "But if that's the case, I will say that this is one fucking _awesome_ hallucination."

Zexion sighed, visibly deflating. Apparently mood swings weren't only applicable during the full moon; that might explain Larxene's constant PMS. "If only that was all this was."

Xigbar felt almost sorry for the guy. Almost being the operative word when you were an unsympathetic, emotionless asshole with a sadistic streak a mile long. And that was _before_ the darkness had gotten him. But still, he was willing to acknowledge that Zexion was having a not-so-great day, what with getting dumped with one of Vexen's potions. Why Vexen had been making a gender-switching potion to begin with was way beyond his know-how, and would have to be one of those great unsolved mysteries since the scientist in question had wisely pulled a disappearing act once the shit hit the fan. He would probably have to hide out in the labs until the end of time, considering Zexion's stubborn streak combined with an uncanny mind for elaborate revenges.

Fairly sure that Zexion was not going to try and claw out his remaining eyeball (he was awfully fond of it now), Xigbar cautiously let go of the newly-female wrists. Which seriously weren't that different from what they originally were, but pointing that out right now probably wouldn't win him any points. As for Zexion, he—well, technically _she_ for the next 48 hours at least—quickly snatched her hands back once she had gotten over her momentary shock at Xigbar's action. With an almost furtive look at Xigbar, who just gave her his best innocent smile—causing a chipmunk to seize up and fall off a very high-up branch, where it was then run over by a dump truck—that did absolutely nothing to reassure her, she inspected her hands quickly to ensure that Xigbar's sudden generosity was not the result of some degenerative skin disease. Once satisfied, she looked back up at Xigbar again, suspicion bright in her eyes as she shoved her hands back in her pockets, safe from whatever diseases he was trying to give her.

"Anything else?" Zexion asked, looking slightly awkward in this position. Normally those arms would be folded across, but with them shoved in the coat pockets as they were, VI could only manage awkward impatience.

"Well, there wasn't anything to begin with. I was just trying to make you feel better. Cross my heart."

"I would not trust that even if you still had one. Besides, your assistance is completely unnecessary. I can manage fine on my own."

"You mean by hiding out in the library until you change back to normal?" he smirked.

Zexion didn't even blink, "Something like that, perhaps. Why? Do not tell me _you_ have a better idea."

"Weeeell…" his voice trailed off as he grinned and wriggled his eyebrows (he still had both of them, even if one was harder to see now with the eye patch). "I could think of better ways to pass the time."

Zexion gave him a hard glare. "If you are implying that you wish to pursue carnal relations-"

"I'm not implying anything. I'm _suggesting_ it."

"You _must_ be joking."

He pouted, "Well, _no_, not really-"

"Do you mean to tell me," Zexion cut off, her voice no longer icy but completely monotone—a definite warning sign if he'd ever heard one, "that you wish to have sex, which is not only a truly disgusting thought considering I find you as attractive as a hairy spider-"

"Some people have fetishes for hairy spiders," he pointed out cheerfully.

"And not to mention, could lead to horrendous side effects," Zexion continued, cleverly ignoring Xigbar's comments. "Sexually-transmitted diseases, for one thing."

"But I'm clean!"

"And I find that hard to believe," Zexion snapped. "Besides which, if you honestly think I will risk the possibility of having to spend an additional nine months in this form so I could release one of your demon spawn into this or any other universe—all for the sake of your _amusement_—you are even more delusional than I could have expected."

He leered, "We could name it Xigion."

Zexion's expression darkened. Either that or it was just the entire room as the lights began to flicker out at the sheer pressure of extreme hatred that was being directed his way, _heart or no heart_. He blinked (or winked) and said, "Fine, fine, have it your way. Zexar. But only if it's a girl like my new honeybunch—**owshitfuck**."

This time, Zexion didn't bother to look back as she stormed out of the room, having just rather viciously kneed Xigbar in the crotch.

* * *

It was several minutes before Lexaeus found the Freeshooter, who was still lying prostate on the ground.

"That was a bad idea," Lexaeus said solemnly. Xigbar struggled to glare at him properly.

"You don't even know what I did."

"I don't need to," was the pointed reply. "You should know better than that."

"I was just trying to cheer him up!" Or her, anyway.

Lexaeus shrugged. "You know Zexion. He doesn't like getting help from others."

"Well that's the fucking understatement of the day. How'd you know I was here anyway?"

"Zexion told me. He wanted me to pass on a message."

Xigbar brightened, "A message? What kind of—_**owshitfuck**_."

It hurt a lot more coming from a guy who had apparently decided to compensate for lack of emotions with serious over enthusiasm for muscles.

It would take significantly longer for the Freeshooter to recover than it did for Zexion to regain his true gender. But for the next few days, as Zexion sipped tea daintily while watching Xigbar stagger from place to place, he couldn't help but think that maybe Xigbar had actually managed to make him feel marginally better about the situation.

Not that he would ever admit it.

End Notes:

… I don't know why, but I'm starting to get overly fond of this coupling. *runs from Lexaeus*

I am actually endeavoring to write a sequel to this story, but law school has caught up to what little is left of my brain. So alas, I am not sure it will ever get written, let alone when. But hopefully....

PM


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